Etan Patz

In Manhattan on May 25, 1979, Etan Patz managed to convinced his parents to let him walk to the bus stop on his own for the first time.   The 6 year-old boy was never seen again.  In San Francisco back in 1984, Kevin Collins was walking to the 43 bus stop on Oak and Masonic on a February night that his brother, who usually walked with him, was home sick in bed.  The 4^th grader was never seen again.

These stories gained national exposure, and in that Jurassic time before the internet, became notable not only for the sheer terror of the details but also for the way the information was advertised – on billboards and milk cartons.

I think these two incidents are notable for something else – the origin of the “helicopter parent”.  The colloquial term for this phenomenon gained traction after the publishing of the 1990 book Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility and describes parents who “hover” over their children, looking out for any obstacles that might be in their children’s way.  I think this element is born from an extension of the fear generated by the story of Etan and Kevin.  It is beyond horrifying to think of one’s child suffering as we imagine those boys did.  It is not easy to think of our children suffering, period.  My son might be getting bullied?  I’ll write an email.  I’ll arrange a meeting.  (I did this myself this year, and my little guy isn’t even in kindergarten yet.)

A new term is being used by college professors and administrators that highlights an advanced stage of helicopter parenting – “lawnmower parenting”.  It describes those parents who not only call their children in college each morning to wake them up for class, or who log on to their children’s academic profile to register for their college classes, but also who call professors directly to complain about a grade or a TA assignment.    These “lawnmower parents” have even gone on to enter their children’s salary negotiations for their first job.

It is relatively easy to deride such parenting.  As you may remember from the Atlantic Monthly article at Back to School Night, it is equally easy to show how damaging that kind of parenting can be for the development of a human being.

Still, I go back to Etan Patz.  When will I let my son “strike it out” on his own, perhaps down to West Portal or to the local Safeway?  Intellectually I can see how important it is for children to learn resilience and independence, but if there is even a 1 in a billion chance that I could lose him forever, it’s much harder to stomach.  Studies have shown that even the phenomenon of the “play date” has stunted the growth of children’s social skills…that a significant element of social development comes from “free play” of unsupervised children in parks.  Again, intellectually, I’ve got it.  But I was absolutely terrified as I took this picture (my little guy is up on the left…I was not exactly thrilled with my daughter in the red jacket spinning around either).  And you’ll notice I was not exactly thousands of yards away.  Still, I did everything I could to say nothing, no words of warning, and just take this photo instead.  Gulp. (post first edition note:  those of you who have asked what the man on the right is doing…well, his son was up there…what you can’t see are the father’s rotor blades…if it weren’t for my knee, who knows…I might have been up there, too)

Etan Patz.  On my mind not just because of the anniversary of his disappearance, but also on my mind as we say good-bye to our seniors.  I want so desperately for them to succeed and to be happy, to live lives of purpose and fulfillment.  They are not 6 years old, though.  They are going to be okay.  That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could hover over them a teeny bit myself, just to make sure.